Wild Memories Photography Tours

Just a silly video, taken from my lunch rock, of the bison arriving.  The rut is still going on!

I am here, so very near the confluence of Slough Creek and the Lamar River, where I had planned to dunk my head in both bodies of water at the same time. But, I entered this beautiful area along Slough Creek, where tall trees grow and large boulders dominate the water. If younger and more agile, I could take the boulders to the other side but me and rocks do not get along. I could easily wade to the other side but once again I forgot to grab the Tevas. I can live with wet socks and boots but don’t really care to do so.

At any rate, I have already dunked my head into the creek. The clear cold water on the top of my head, cooling my body. It is not that warm but the sun is unhindered by clouds so there is not shade, except for in this little spot of paradise where I imagine a bear might like to snooze during the heat of the day. I put my belly over a specially selected rock, designed to hold me from falling into the water. With feet splayed out behind I lowered my head and let the water freeze my brain. My hair is in a braid and so the lower strands failed to get wet and so not nearly as nice as normal.

For now I am sitting on a large boulder, a small pad beneath my rear and my lunch of grapes and cheese set out before me. The water is rushing through the boulders and I can hear little else. Though, a plane went overhead just a few minutes ago.

While running into distant wolves in the back country would be an amazing experience, I have no desire to see a grizzly while out here all alone, far from the car. And, so, while it is very nice, I can’t totally relax.

Have you asked yourself, where did Deby go? I have asked that question over the past couple of months while attempting regroup and carry on with the same passion that once burned in me so hot and heavy. More rest, more hiking, more writing, and less time in the park. Looking for the positive while trying to pull myself back up where I belong. Feeling like such a failure and a fool for finally succumbing to the barrage of criticism thrown my way since arriving in Yellowstone. I recognize that it is just the sick underbelly of the place and a part of the whole. And, for the most part, though I am not perfect, it has nothing to do with me but with them. I am an easy target – the one everyone chooses to pounce on when they have a lousy day or don’t want to look at themselves.

I have worked so hard, so bravely, to keep moving forward, no matter what. But, I am unsure about how much any person could take. When it never stops it wears one down until they awake one morning and can hardly put one foot in front of the other. Depression and the desire to die takes hold and the struggle back from such a dark place is long and hard. And, then, one day you no longer want to die and everything inside of you wants to fight back and accomplish your goals, despite all of the negative crap. But, you have no more energy with which to fight. And, so, some rest and self care are in order but it seems that you can’t get enough and the days keep ticking by.

And, so, that is where I am today – somewhat more rested, a little more fit and healthier. But, the words do not come beneath my fingers unless I am sitting out in nature, on a rock in a creek. Not the real ones that pour from my heart, anyway. The ones you have come to know. Because, when at the computer, in the artificial light emanating from the monitor, I second guess everything. Is this the right thing to say? Is it okay to share my thoughts, or better to gloss the truth and pour glitter on life? Can I talk about the animals without mentioning myself? Would the stories matter as much if my personality was withdrawn? How do I make truth not so negative? And, please, who can I talk to – bounce things off of – when frustrated and just need to express myself? No one. No one I can trust. And, so, all of those frustrations remain inside of me, until they don’t. Until my fingers begin pounding the keyboard and it all comes out. Loneliness has its price when nothing secret and intimate can ever be shared with another. When there is no one to say, hey, maybe that isn’t what they meant. Or, maybe you should ask this. Because when the mind becomes boggled with all of the things I am trying not to say, all of the feelings I am trying not to share, it can no longer put order into anything. And, so, out of loneliness, or the act of living absolutely alone, the need to express becomes overwhelming and eventually much more than intended will come out.

And, so, while I refuse to say that I have been defeated, it has not been an easy time of trying to re-gather strength, passion and wits. I want so badly to do this thing right and for the nastiness to go away but now the fear that it won’t eats away and paralyzes me.

Well, I just saw a kingfisher and on a branch nearby is a very small, yellowish bird I have not seen before. The water is still rushing and I have run out of words.

One step at a time I will be back, so much better than before. For, deep in my heart the fire still burns. Bullies don’t get to win – fair and right does.

OH, the bison are here, I so wanted to avoid them on this journey…